Weaknights.

Remember when you were watching TV as a kid, just old enough to understand what it was when people would go out and get drunk, find sloppy hookups or crazy inebriated adventures, and thinking to yourself “I can’t wait to do that shit!” I can, in fact I still do. I fantasize about the big tit-tied broad who will come up to me in the bar(any bar I go to, without fail) and just start “fel*ting” me. Then, I get into a bad-ass, Roadhouse style brawl, which I win by using my perfected martial artistry. This is typical for me, I am used to it. Every week I spend my crappy days at work trying to convince myself that my daily routine is merely a stop-gap between awesomely bad-ass weekends. I have to create this world and tell myself this because my weekends are not bad-ass, they are typically pretty mundane and predictable. I go to one of maybe 6 locations on a regular basis, which includes houses and bars. There is little variance in this routine, why? Because it’s easy.

I do one of two things if I am at a bar. If possible, I find whatever game they have available (be it darts, shuffleboard, pool, or minigolf) and play it while avoiding contact with all the chicks already avoiding contact with me. If there are no games around, I stand awkwardly out of the way (except I am never out of the way, I could be hanging from the goddamn ceiling 2 feet above average human height and I would still be in the fucking way in a bar) preferably with one of my friends so we have the option to talk. We don’t talk though; we just stand there, awkwardly, avoiding the chicks already avoiding us. After an hour or so, I get tired of paying for my drinks, or I just get upset that I am paying someone to do something I can do for myself, only they get to do it drunk. I, on the other hand, due to their slow pace (caused by their drunkenness) am not drunk and I either go home, or I head to another bar to repeat the whole process.

If I don’t make it out to a bar, my night is not all that much different; I just have a better variety of games from which to choose. Most bars do not have gaming systems, this is a major incentive to stay in. Occasionally we will play beer-pong, or Beirut, or whatever your group of friends called it (BTW, anyone who takes offense to others using different terms for this game, go fuck yourself, you are a tool. But that is for another post); however, for the most part, we keep it to video games. Call me a loser, call me a tool, call me lazy, call me an opportunist, just don’t call me unhappy. I could not be more satisfied with my nights never turning out as I dreamed. I do this because it’s easier than going out and trying. I do this because it's more convenient, I don’t need to worry about what I wear, or washing my sheets, or trimming my ball hair… uh I mean beard. I love my weekends, I love them because they are easy, it is the lowest of my low hanging fruits and it keeps me happy all weekend. That is, until Monday rolls around and I realize I spent my weekend doing exactly what I do on my weeknights. I think I will start calling them weaknights.

posted by T. Jefferson Snodgrass II