Skinny = Healthy, Right??

I'm a 6'0'' bean pole and have weighed between 162 and 167 lbs for the past 10 years.

The most shocking part is that 4 of those years were spent chugging light beer in frat house basements. I attribute much of this to my nuclear powered metabolism (paddling frosh during rush week), but also a lot of it is from pure laziness.

You may be asking yourself, 'how can one be too lazy to perform an action upon which one's very life depends?'

Let me explain:

In order to eat, you must get up and retrieve the food. But the work doesn't end there: unwrapping, chewing, swallowing, digesting, bowel movements. Not really my modus operandi.

In the US today, we are facing an obesity epidemic largely resulting from people being too poor/lazy to eat anything that doesn't come as a processed combo meal. I have taken it a step further and just bypassed the whole calorie consumption process completely. Genius right?! I only eat when absolutely necessary, i.e. if I am about to black out from lack of energy. And what do I eat that makes me so "healthy" and skinny? Mostly an array of Poptarts, microwave Easy Mac, or boiled/refrigerated hotdogs.

So to all you lard-asses out there who can't understand why eating 5000 calories of peanut butter, oatmeal, granola, or pretty much anything considered "energy boosting" or "a great pre-workout snack" a day and aren't shedding the pounds, I encourage you to take my approach and stop reaching for any 'fruit' at all!

Sure, your arteries might look like Rosanne Barr's but your outsides will look like Lance Armstrong, and we all know it's what's on the outside that counts. Who the hell wants to be 90 anyways? Wrinkled, can't drive, and basically worthless to society....no thank you.

POSTED BY TS, the original mustache man, a superhuman to the untrained eye